A tough few years

I’ve been treated for depression for 15 years, since just after college. In grad school it was bad enough to attend intensive outpatient program, and years later anxiety and depression affected my GI system to where I lost 25-30 lbs. But nothing has compared to the last two years. It became impossible to concentrate on my studies. I received a PTSD diagnosis related to the pandemic, got treatment for that, was diagnosed with ADHD after a ton of tests, have been seeing a great psychologist, and then last year started experiencing intense negative emotions that I couldn’t control that deeply affected my life and the lives of those close to me. I went to another intensive outpatient treatment program and have learned different coping skills from different psychological schools and struggled to stay in the saddle as psychiatrists adjusted my medications.

At the moment - and I mean, just this past week - after a retreat where I feel most safe, a catharsis of tears and a ritual of prayer and hope - and a new med adjustment - I feel more calm. I don’t know if it will stick, but I am grateful for the respite.

I would like to blog more on here. But I see that it’s really only something I do when I have the presence of mind and soul to reflect. At least I am still taking pictures. They’re just on my iPhone due to a camera too costly to fix, but I do look forward to sharing them here. For now, this picture of a cloudy day on the Knife’s Edge portion of the PCT in the Goat Rocks area feels right. It shows my friend looking up and to her right, where behind a rock the viewer can see the desolate looking trail behind her. That’s where I am — the past few years have been difficult. I can’t see ahead, but I’m grateful for the chance to stop and reflect.